


The Hurricane

by gallantrejoinder



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, He's HERE and he's NONBINARY and he HATES HIMSELF!, LGBTQ Themes, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary!Dirk too tbh, Nonbinary!Todd basically, Okay but for real it has a happy ending, Other, Repression, do not copy to another site
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 23:07:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18766162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallantrejoinder/pseuds/gallantrejoinder
Summary: Todd can't stop thinking about what Dirk said in the middle of his breakdown.





	The Hurricane

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bookwhims](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwhims/gifts).



> This is a sequel to [The Butterfly Effect](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18741397/) by [teacupsandcyanide.](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teacupsandcyanide/pseuds/teacupsandcyanide/) You might wanna read that one first in order for this to make sense!

“Are you okay?”

Dirk’s voice is as soft as feathers next to Todd’s ear. Todd wrinkles his nose – the sensation of Dirk’s breath is ticklish. And then he kinda smiles like an idiot to himself; Dirk’s literally spooning him. Todd usually likes being the big spoon, but there’s something to be said for the way Dirk can wrap himself around Todd with his gangly limbs like a very warm, slightly heavy octopus.

“I didn’t – do something wrong –”

“No,” Todd interrupts, feeling Dirk tensing up. He turns onto his back, facing Dirk. “You didn’t. You’re fine. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Dirk’s eyebrows are pushed together in a little worried expression that (though Todd will not be admitting this to anyone anytime soon) makes Todd’s heart melt a little.

“Just thinking,” he admits, glancing down to Dirk’s neck, where a series of blue bruises are blooming. Todd smiles at the sight of them, feeling inordinately proud of himself – it’s not like he’s never given or received hickeys before – but this is _Dirk_. He’d never kissed Dirk before today. He’s going to get to kiss Dirk _again_ , and the thought makes him feel so ludicrously happy that he thinks he suddenly understands why Dirk gives into the urge to flap his hands so often, at least if this is _half_ of how he’s feeling at the time.

“Hey!” Dirk sounds embarrassed, but when Todd glances back up, he’s got an equally goofy-looking smile on his face.

“Think I left a mark,” Todd says casually.

Dirk turns a very interesting shade of pink, and, equally as casually, sniffs. “Yes, well. _You_ certainly seemed very interested in my neck.”

“Did you like it, though?” The words are meant to be flirtatious, but they come out a little insecure, and Todd cringes at himself.

Dirk’s mouth forms into a shy smile. “I did. A lot.”

For a few moments they simply look at one another, and Todd gives into the urge to put his hand against Dirk’s cheek and stroke his thumb across his cheekbone. Dirk closes his eyes for a moment, looking utterly blissful, and Todd feels – full. Completely filled with love.

“What were you thinking about?” Dirk opens his eyes again.

Todd hesitates. The wonderful, filled-with-love-and-therefore-not-thinking-about-things-that-really-suck feeling dissipates almost entirely.

“Just – it’s not really important.”

“It _sounds_ important.” Dirk raises an eyebrow, looking expectant.

“It’s just …” Todd forces the words out. Dirk deserves the truth. Todd may be a liar, but he can’t do that with Dirk. Especially now. “Some of the things you said when you were, um, spiralling, made me think.”

“… Oh?” Dirk waits, infuriatingly and entirely uncharacteristically patient.

Todd catalogues every shade of blue in Dirk’s eyes, and when he’s done, he speaks.

“I never … When I was a kid, I was into all these punk bands and like, most of the other cringey shit that brought all the weird kids together. And it was years later I realised most of those weird kids turned out to be gay, or bi, or whatever …”

Dirk narrows his eyes. “Aren’t … _you_ bi?”

Todd blinks. “Yes?”

“Well, I was about to say, if you’re going to pretend to be straight after _this_ …”

Todd laughs. “Nah. I was never straight. Which – I figured that out a really long time ago. Maybe before there were labels, or at least labels I _knew_ about, anyway. I kinda just … chose bisexual because it was … easier than …”

“Than what?”

“Looking into things,” Todd admits. “Or, not – I mean. Looking into. Myself.”

“Oh,” Dirk says, softly. His expression looks pained, suddenly, like someone’s scratched up one of his favourite jackets by accident.

Todd makes himself keep going, even though every single word feels like he’s forcing it out.

“When we were kids, Amanda and me used to do this thing. She’d always wanna paint my nails, and I hated it at first. Of course, then it became cool to have black nail polish, so I let her do that, and we both loved it.”

“That …” Dirk takes a tiny breath and grins, “… is adorable.”

“Shut up,” Todd groans.

“No, really, I don’t think I’ll ever be rid of the image of baby Amanda painting the nails of her spotty teenage brother.”

“I wasn’t – spotty!”

“Todd,” Dirk says, in a very condescending and unfortunately also very endearing tone, “you were into punk and you were a teenager. I’m a detective. It is _not_ difficult to figure out what you looked like.”

“Wow,” Todd replies, dryly. “Okay, wow.”

“But do continue.”

“Oh, I’ve got your permission now?”

“Yes, go on!” Dirk says, sunnily.

Todd rolls his eyes. “ _Anyway_. Okay, I was a teenage wannabe punk rocker. And it was … de rigour at the time – or, okay, to be fair, this was a few years later –  to wear a lot of shittily applied mascara and eyeliner.”

“Oh my _god_ ,” Dirk says, sounding way too excited. “ _Please_ tell me Amanda has pictures.”

“She does not,” Todd says, flatly. “But the point is, I used to wear a lot of make up and nail polish. And like – it was like, cool, to dress weirdly, and wear … shit that you weren’t supposed to wear. ‘Cause that made it more punk.” He swallows. His throat feels thick.

“Okay,” Dirk whispers, sounding unsure. “I feel like – you’re trying to say something here and I might be sort of, slightly, slow on the uptake?”

“It’s okay,” Todd chokes out, because his throat still isn’t working. “I don’t – like – I’m kind of struggling to say it, so like –”

“Todd, you know, you don’t have to say anything, or – or tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

“No – no, I want to. I want to, please, just –”

“Give you a minute?”

“Yeah.”

Dirk, mercifully, remains quiet while Todd gathers his thoughts. He brushes his hand up and down Todd’s spine in a soothing motion. It … doesn’t really make Todd feel better, but … it does remind him that he’s _safe_.

“I think,” Todd begins, “part of the reason I was – drawn to all that stuff, apart from just liking the music and being the sort of teenager to have a stupid angsty _me-against-the-world_ complex – was that. I didn’t have to. Be a man.”

There. The words are out.

Todd feels like he’s going to vomit.

“Ah,” Dirk says, like it’s all suddenly clear.

The thought of Dirk seeing him act so stupidly, blindingly _obvious_ makes Todd panic. “I’m not – it’s not like a full – I never wanted to be a, a woman, or. It just – when you were saying – and feeling like, ‘sort of everything, and so, really …’”

“… Sort of nothing,” Dirk finishes for him.

“Yeah.” Todd feels awful, disgusting tears pricking at his eyes and forces them back, blinking furiously. He isn’t going to cry over something as stupid as this. He’s not going to cry over himself. He doesn’t fucking deserve the luxury.

“Todd …” Dirk sounds, of all things, understanding. Todd winces.

“Ugh, god, forget I said anything, just … please – please – just, ignore all of that,” Todd interrupts Dirk before he can say anything in that upsetting, understanding tone.

“No, Todd, listen. Listen to me.” Dirk puts his fingers under Todd’s chin and forces his face up. Todd stares into Dirk’s sad eyes and feels completely humiliated.

“I’m not …” Not what?

Not anything at all. _Really, sort of, nothing_.

“You’re … you’re Todd,” Dirk flails, and Todd laughs, a little wetly. “You’re Todd Brotzman, and you’re a good – um, sibling, to Amanda, and a really excellent assis-friend, and I mean, I don’t want to presume, but I think – I hope you’ll be a really good partner, too.”

“I thought I was already a partner in the agency,” Todd deadpans, pretending it’s not a deflection.

“Oh, shut up, you know what I meant,” Dirk says, flushing a deep shade of crimson. The blushing is – really, really fucking cute actually. Todd definitely wants to explore that more.

“I understand,” Dirk begins, but Todd interrupts him by groaning again. Dirk glares at him, and Todd falls quiet. “As I was saying. I actually _do_ understand. I mean. The breakdown. You were there. The cat was there. Humiliation all around, really.”

“You shouldn’t feel embarrassed,” Todd insists. “I – I put you in that position.”

“What?” Dirk’s face twists into a confused expression. “Todd, _I’m_ the one who kissed _you_. I know you have a guilt complex, but. Come on, now, let my breakdowns be _mine_ at least. Anyway. The point is, I don’t know if you remember, but part of that breakdown was because – because, yes sexuality is, erm, hard –”

Todd snickers, and shifts his leg into the position it had been in approximately an hour ago. Dirk squeaks and jumps back.

“ – Oh for goodness’ sake, I should have known you wouldn’t be able to let that one go – sexuality is _difficult_ , but gender can be … a hundred times more so.”

Todd hums in agreement, not trusting himself to speak.

Dirk shifts down a little, having migrated up the pillow. They look at each other eye to eye again.

“It’s … very … public. How people perceive you. The assumptions they make. When I was … In Blackwing, they …”

Todd kisses him. He can’t help it. He has a feeling any mention of Blackwing from now on is probably going to awakens a very strong urge to kiss Dirk and not stop until Dirk’s forgotten all about the place. He pulls back, and Dirk looks rather flustered for a second, but the determination quickly returns.

“No, listen. In Blackwing, they watched me all the time. They used to bring me toys and when I chose – the wrong ones, they took them away. And I could never figure out … if it was because it was rigged to explode, or because it was a doll.”

Todd pretends like that doesn’t break his heart. “No pressure.”

“Pretty much. Anyway, the point that I’m trying to make – oh, dear, I’m taking a really long time, are you – do you need anything –?”

“It’s fine. I know you’ll get there in the end. You always do.”

A soft look breaks over Dirk’s face, and he leans in to kiss Todd, making a happy noise in his throat. He breaks away hastily, though, looking determined again.

“After a while I decided that I didn’t really care either way. Maybe it was rigged to explode, or maybe they just weren’t comfortable seeing a little boy playing with a ragdoll and recreating, word for word, the entire sixteenth episode of the fourth season of _The Golden Girls_. Either way, they were going to take the doll away. Either way, I was going to lose. So I … I just let myself have _fun_ for a teensy bit longer.”

Todd doesn’t say anything. He just looks at Dirk.

“What I’m trying to say is, basically, that you … you can’t just not do something because people might be judging you, or even because there’s a miniscule chance it’ll explode in your face one day. If it makes you feel good, and it makes you happy, then … you should do it. Erm. Whatever _it_ is.”

Dirk looks nervous.

“I can’t fucking believe I found you,” Todd says, softly.

He wants to cry. He lets himself, just a little bit. A tear or two to make up for a lot of years of … just not letting himself feel much of anything at all.

“Is that – I mean, it _sounded_ like a good thing –”

“Yes, Dirk, oh my god. It’s a good thing. It’s the best thing.”

“Oh, good,” Dirk says, sounding relieved.

Todd laughs and leans in to kiss him again. It’s a little wet from all the crying, and a little messy because Todd keeps laughing a little hysterically, but it’s perfect. It’s perfect.

And Todd, despite everything, is okay again.

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr.](https://gallantrejoinder.tumblr.com/)
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> Please let me know your thoughts!!!


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